Writing in Journals will Increase Your Love & Health!

I didn't do so well writing in a journal as I grew up...it seemed stupid to me. Plus, I didn't have much to brag about, nor complain about fortunately. However, I started really believing in keeping a journal when I was serving as a missionary for my church for two years. I actually wrote in my journal every-single-day (roughly 720 days in a row), for all but the last two weeks of that two years. Only recently did I start appreciating that I wrote in that journal (there's actually three of them filled). My son is serving a church mission as well, and he's appreciated seeing what I went through on my mission. About every six weeks I photo copy the page(s) from my journal that correspond with 1) the number of days he's been on his mission, and 2) the date. For example, he sees what I was doing on October 6, 1990 as compared to his October 6 of 2014. Also, he sees what was going through my mind on day 112 of my mission as compared to day 112 of his. Interesting that, though 24 years separated, our experiences, struggles, successes, frustrations, heartaches, etc. are very similar. He has told me a number of times how reading my journal entries has helped him on his mission.


A few of the journals I have kept and keep

When my son was 4 I had the idea to purchase a journal for each of my kids...just two kids at the time, and keep journals in their behalf. We now have five kids. My oldest son, the one on a mission, we kept a journal for until he left...consequently the journal was full, but I keep a mission blog for him now. Anyway, my wife and I write in these journals anytime something significant happens, or when we just want to say something to them that they will read when they are older. They will get their journals when they get married...assuming they all get married, if not, I will have a plan B. If nothing else, it's great to look back 10 years and read of various scenarios that played out in their lives, it's always entertaining.

Another journal I keep is just my personal journal. Sometimes I just vent, but sometimes I write what I'm experiencing and learning. It's good to reflect on, but I want my kids to see it someday. I don't write in this one very often, maybe 10 times each year. No doubt I should write in it more often.

I have a dream journal that I started recently because I've been having interesting dreams that I think are important and I don't want to forget them. It's on my nightstand.

I have a journal that I take to certain church meetings and conferences for me to keep spiritual thoughts in, and key messages I've heard, along with ideas that come to my mind that may help me to improve in various ways.

My favorite journal I only wrote in for one year. Each Sunday, at least, I wrote in a journal that I gave to my wife for Christmas. I started it the first Sunday in January a few years ago, and wrote in it each Sunday for that year. I wrote about my wife's week and everything I saw her doing. It was good for me to do this...I took note of her struggles, her successes, and even more importantly all the little (BIG) things she did each day for me and the family....and others in the neighborhood. It was good for me to see all she does, and to acknowledge her for it. Needless to say she loved receiving that journal. I thought I understood all she did before, but the journal opened my eyes much wider. I felt my love and appreciation for her grow exponentially, and I know she felt it.

I plan on starting two new journals: 1) letters to my family, and 2) a gratitude journal. A friend of mine, Shane Rosenberg, spoke in church about gratitude recently. He quoted Ray L. Huntington, a former professor at Brigham Young University, specifically about keeping a gratitude journal and some research that had been done on this subject. Ray Huntington said:
          "...in a ten-week study Dr. Emmons randomly assigned participants into one of three
          groups. One group of participants was encouraged to briefly record five things they were
          grateful for each week; a second group was asked to describe five hassles or negative
          events that had happened to them each week; and the third group was simply asked to list
          five events, but they were not told to emphasize the positive or the negative. Before each
          participant wrote about their blessings or hassles, they completed a daily journal in which
          they rated their moods, their physical health, and their overall well-being. The moods they
          rated included feelings like distress, excitement, sadness, stress, and happiness, while
          their physical health included ratings such as headaches, sore muscles, stomach pain,
          nausea, coughing, sore throat, and poor appetite. The participants also rated how they felt
          about their lives, selecting from descriptions ranging from terrible to delighted.

          The results of the ten-week study are impressive for the gratitude group. The gratitude
          participants felt better about their lives and were more optimistic about the future than
          people in the other two groups. The gratitude group also reported few health concerns,
          like headaches..." (full article at http://speeches.byu.edu/?act=viewitem&id=2072)

So what's my point? Is it to brag that I write in a lot of journals? NO! It's to tell you how important journals are to those who will read them later, but also the benefits you can gain immediately. Keeping journals for those you love is a GREAT way to show them you love them. If there is a risk, it's that you may get in the habit of writing things they will only see later when they really need to hear or see them now. However, I found that writing these things prompted me to say them more as well.

Hey, whatever helps you love your wife and kids more, and to show it...AND makes you healthier along the way, that's what it's all about. Writing in journals helps me, and I'm confident it will you as well. Just sayin'.

SNAPP

Why I Wear a Wedding Ring...

Part of what I spend my days doing currently is teaching a class called Marriage and Relationship Skills. The first 8 weeks or so we discuss how to create healthy romantic relationships prior to marriage. The last 8 weeks of the course we discuss how to protect and fight for your marriage. One of the most important aspects of a marriage is remembering, particularly remembering all that is good; remembering all that caused you to fall in love; remembering all that you committed to when you got married. Wearing a wedding ring is key to remembering.

There are many traditions, religous and otherwise, dating back to ancient Rome and beyond as to why we wear wedding rings. However, as interesting as it actually is, the history of the wedding ring is not the point of this post. This post is just me explaining why I wear a wedding ring and why I believe everyone who is married should wear a wedding ring.


Our Rings 21+ Years Later

I have never seen my parents without some kind of wedding ring on. My dad has always worn a wedding ring...the same gold band he put on just more than 49 years ago.The only time he didn't have it on was, when as a child, I asked him if I could hold it. Sometimes he couldn't get it off, and truthfully he never wanted to take it off. He was my first and best example of someone wearing a wedding ring.

I know many people (very good, loving, faithful people), who don't wear a wedding ring, mostly it deals with their occupations. Some of them in the health field who have to continually put latex gloves on don't like wearing rings.  I've had some guys tell me they're just not into jewelry. I know several men who don't wear one because they "fix" things and it gets in the way. My dad repaired Xerox copying machines for more than 35 years. He got his ring caught on wires, screws, pegs, swithches, etc. and marked it up pretty good, but he still never took it off. However, I have been told there are some places of work that forbid rings being worn for different reasons, usually safety concerns. I can't argue against that, I don't know. It's rare, and those aren't the cases I'm referring to anyway. I take mine off when I lift weights or waterski, and I don't waterski anymore, so outside of working out that's about it. And I workout at home, so whatever, and then it goes right back on. I've heard some say they just forgot to put it on.

I wear a wedding ring for several reasons: 1) I'm married, 2) It reminds me that I'm married and helps me to act like it always, 3) It tells other people I'm married (not that I'm fighting off advances from people who only stop pursuing me once they see I'm married, you know, but just in case...) and 4) It helps reinforce that commitment. There's probably more, but four is a good start I suppose. Most of all it's a reminder for me.

Some people argue that wearing wedding rings is a dated practice and not that important anymore...nothing wrong with breaking away from tradition. But for me being committed to someone doesn't just mean saying you are, but also showing it. Wearing a wedding ring is just one, simple way to show that commitment. People should think you're married if you are married. They should be able to look at you and determine that immediately. True enough, they should be able to deduce that whether you have a ring on or not, just based on your actions, but if they can't, the ring will help.

I've had people debate me on this already, it's nothing new. One man said, "We don't need to wear rings to prove to each other we can trust each other." That's true.  I've also heard, "If someone needs to know I'm married I can tell them." Yep, this is also true. I still say wear a wedding ring because you got married. Anyway, I've also been told, "Just because someone wears a wedding ring doesn't mean they are going to be faithful." Yet again, pretty much true, a ring can't make someone stay faithful, but I do know of a couple scenarios/people where looking down and seeing their ring influenced their decision making process during a very critical moment...a moment where everything could change.

When I look at my wedding ring I think of my wife. I think of her a lot, and that's a good thing. It makes me think of my kids...that's five good things. It reminds me of all kinds of things I try to stand for and it's my daily reminder of those commitments and goals. It reminds me of July 17, 1993 when I promised my wife she would get the very best of me and all I have to offer...forever. I fall short of that too often, but I keep trying, and my ring is a reminder and motivator. I'm lucky, blessed and proud to wear a wedding ring. If you're married and have chosen simply not to wear one, I hope you will reconsider. It's kind of a big deal...just sayin'.

The End

SNAPP

Time to Change Mother's Day

Mother's Day, one of two days, including her birthday hopefully, where you go out of your way to show your mom you love her. Maybe she gets breakfast in bed. She may get a flower of some kind and a great card. She probably hears, "I love you," more this day. This is all good, but it's not good enough.

I've been doing something for about 10 years that I have shared with very few people for two main reasons: 1) Some dudes feel I'm trying to show them up, 2) believe it or not, I do prefer to keep some things private. However, I've decided to share it now for two reasons: 1) This isn't about other dudes, 2) I really am just trying to help wives out here a little bit.

Alright, what am I talking about? As the title suggests I think there needs to be a change in how we celebrate Mother's Day. I've felt that for a long time, and made changes in regards to how it's celebrated for my wife...still working on doing it right for my own mother. About 12 years ago we started celebrating Mother's Weekend...so my wife got two days, Saturday AND Sunday. I was pretty pleased with that for a couple years, as was Kimie, but then I felt like more could and should be done. Now we celebrate Mother's Week. My wife gets to choose each year whether that weeks starts the Monday before Mother's Day and ends on Mother's Day, or if Mother's Day is the beginning of the week long celebration. This year she's chosen the latter.

During Mother's Week my wife is not allowed to cook, clean, grocery shop or do any other mundane task that typically only gets done if she does it. And no, I don't do it all. I used to which has given me a great appreciation for moms, but I coordinate this with my kids. That's one of the biggest points and takeaways from this whole week. We all take a different day doing the cooking; we all clean; we all do mundane things (honestly it really ought to be this way all year...probably is in some homes). But also, mom is to get back rubs, foot rubs, shoulder rubs, temple massages at any minute of any day during her week.

There is absolutely NO whining, fighting, arguing or anything of that nature allowed during the week that might disrupt mom's peace. Of course there are Mother's Day cards/gifts when Saturday and Sunday roll around, and mom always feels special on Mother's Day. The point is this feeling needs to be stretched out for her for as long as possible. By stretching it out like this many of the good things last much more than a week, we almost create some decent new habits. But after time they do fade some...

What I've learned is that Mother's Day is awesome. There needs to be that day where people stop and really reflect on their mom. Days like this, as well as Father's Day and Valentines Day can be a bit of a two-edged sword; we need those days so we can be reminded that great things need to be done for great people; however, great things should be done far more often than on these days alone. Be that as it may, there is one day set apart for all moms, so embrace it and seize it BIG-TIME for your mom, and for your kids' mom. Extend it to a week, as stated above it helps create better, more loving habits from everyone in the house toward mom. Train your kids to pamper their mom.

To conclude, consider the following scripture that gets to the point, and makes it all very clear, much better than I do: "Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it." Ephesians 5:25

The End

SNAPP

I Quit Swearing...Oh My Heck, I really did, Here's Why and How!

Today is April 27, 2014, and it marks exactly one year since I last uttered a swear word. I’ve said some inappropriate things for sure, and have used some euphemisms where people have said, “You may as well just say the real one.” I disagree with that, the real one always sounds worse. The good news is that my euphemism use is down too. What I’m trying to say is that by no means do I think I’m super holy or spiritual, or great or anything for not having sworn over the past year. There are a lot of things I’m always going to be working on, but this is a big one for me, and I know plenty of others who think they should, or otherwise would like to quit swearing. So, why did I quit swearing, and how? Let’s begin with why I even swore in the first place.

Why did I start swearing? I remember me and my friend Jeff (or JeFF as I like to spell it), walking home from 9^th grade every day vowing we would never swear. We thought it sounded pretty nasty coming from people in junior high. Turns out we were right. We hadn’t sworn up to that point, and actually did pretty good for quite some time after that. For me, it started with retelling a joke my junior year in high school…then it snowballed. Anytime I got mad, or anytime I wanted to add “manly” emphasis on something, I would use a swear word to do so. Eventually I wanted to serve a mission for my church, and swearing started to leave my daily vocabulary. Only a few times on my mission, out of supreme frustration did I swear. I didn’t need to swear, I just did. Overall the mission went well with not swearing…then I got home.

It turns out your environment contributes a lot into the type of person you are at the time. Where I was working it was completely acceptable to swear. So why not join in. I didn’t chew tobacco or smoke with any of the guys, but I swore right along with them…probably because it was “manlier” and stuff to do so.

I’ve been married nearly 21 years, and have struggled with swearing the entire time. Every once in a while I would go a few months, even up to nine months one time without swearing. Then inevitably a can of frozen orange juice would fall out of the freezer and land on my little toe, or I would trip on something, or step on a Lego with my bare feet, or discover my tire was flat and I was already running late, or something would startle me, or something royally annoying at work would happen, or I would have another shoulder surgery, or I would step in dog crap while mowing the lawn…and on and on. Not to mention I have chronic back problems, and sometimes I just wouldn’t care and unleash on the world.

Fast forward a little bit…my oldest son knew I really didn’t want to swear anymore, and knew I had been trying hard not to. As I said, the 27^th of April, 2013 was the last time I swore, and two days later on my birthday my son gave me a watch and a hand-written letter. The letter indicated that each time I looked at the watch I was to realize that I can't swear when I have it on, that Kalin (my son) loves me, and that God loves me. I was touched and determined not to swear anymore…or at least go a year without swearing, and then kind of see how things went after that. So that’s where I am today. On a side note, I have about 25 watches or so, but I wear this one at least 5 days a week.

So, in addition to the letter and watch in the photo above, why did I quit swearing? What’s the problem with swearing? After all, it’s not like drug addiction, or pornography addiction, or spousal abuse. Where do I begin? There are so many reasons not to swear…here are some of them, in no particular order:

1)      I believe swearing is not a very Christian thing to do, and I claim to be Christian. Here are just a few scriptures I feel back that up: James 1:26 – If any man among you seem to be religious, and bridelth not his tongue, but deceiveth not his heart, this man’s religion is in vain. James 3:6, 8, 10, 11 –  (6) And the tongue is a fire, a world of iniquity: so is the tongue among our members, that it defileth the whole body, and setteth on fire the course of nature; and it is set on fire of hell. (8) But the tongue can no man tame; it is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison. (10) Out of the same mouth procedeth blessing and cursing. My brethren, these things ought not so to be. (11) Doth a fountain send forth at the same place sweet water and bitter?

2)      It’s pretty uncreative and immature, I really feel it’s a bit juvenile (see 1 Corinthians 13:11, my all-time favorite scripture).

3)      It sounds uneducated, even from the most educated and well-spoken people.

4)      My wife did not appreciate swearing in the home (or from me out of the home).

5)      I didn’t want my kids to pick up swearing, especially not from me.

6)     Though I thought it made things feel better because of its perceived venting nature, it actually just opened the flood gates usually.

7)      It actually makes you sound weak (mentally), not strong.

8)      And while there are others, spiritual AND secular, I wanted to prove that self-mastery, or self-control is actually possible. Whenever you control something that you’ve allowed to get the best of you at times, it’s empowering.

How did I quit swearing? It sounds really easy…I quit swearing (that and I wore a reminder on my wrist almost daily). Turns out that saying a swear word takes effort and thought usually. After a short time with not swearing, I realized it took as much effort to swear as to not. Then after more time I realized it didn’t take any effort, just thought, to not swear. Effective use of pauses helped A LOT. Again, simple tools, it sounds so dumb. I just paused and let the frustration pass by, and then if something still needed to be said I chose more wisely on what would be said. I mentioned I try to be Christian, that means I pray…and man did I pray for help to not swear. I believe that is something the Lord wanted of me and therefore was willing to help me with along the way. I'm not sure exactly how He helped me not to swear, but I know He did. And no, I wouldn’t be hell-bound if I didn’t stop swearing, I just felt it would be better to do better.

What have I learned by not swearing? When you pause before replying, whether you would have sworn or not, you tend to say far fewer things that you regret. You learn the value and the structure of a decent and proper response and/or dialogue. I've learned self-control is pretty cool, it's lead to other small victories for me.

People ask me, “What about farmers who swear…you know, standard ranch words?” Or, “I know plenty of good people who swear, so why are you making a deal of it?” Everyone has to decide for themselves, and for me, swearing is lame. I hear it plenty, and I even work in a very educated setting. I suggest if you think swearing is becoming, mature, proper, impressive, etc., then go ahead and conform to society…you will blend right in like I did. I submit it’s none of the above. Sure some words are pretty harmless, and no doubt I may swear again, after all I do hang Christmas lights each year, I sunburn easily, my back still hurts all the time, etc., but I am going to try my best to keep the streak going. There is just no need for swearing, I’ve proven that over the past year. You don't HAVE to swear...for some reason we choose to. Stop it.

In the end, my biggest movitvator was that my wife and kids didn't want to hear it, didn't need to hear it, and shouldn't have to hear it. I love them, so I quit swearing.

The End

SNAPP

SNAPP’S TOP (not necessarily) 25 points to consider as a father and husband...

I’ve seen a lot of parenting blogs, a lot of lists, and I have always had my own list in my head. In fact, my publisher wanted me to write a book that includes some of this, and actually the book is basically written, but I may never choose to publish it…I have my reasons for not wanting to. At any rate, here is some of the content, in raw and random form, from the book:

 SNAPP’S top (again, not necessarily the top) 25 points to consider as a father and husband

1)   It’s OK not to swear…swearing doesn’t make you a real man, and not swearing doesn’t make you less of a man.

2)  The whole “Alpha Male” thing is really overrated…you don’t always have to be the lead dog, sometimes you can shut it up and let others lead and speak. You may even learn something.

3)   Actually, you don’t have to spank your kids. Spanking doesn’t = discipline. Spanking = inflicting pain and fear, which is the least creative and least effective way to discipline. (Yes, I've spanked my kids before. Yes, I regret it).

4)  Best part about being married? Falling asleep while holding my wife’s hand. It's actually her saying, but I agree!

5)   There is nothing cooler than being a dad, period.

6)   You don’t HAVE to fight about anything with your spouse. Nothing requires a fight.

7)   Encourage your kids to play a sport, play an instrument, and learn a foreign language.

8)   Your kids should see you kiss your wife on the lips and cuddle with her on the couch.

9)   Make your kids laugh every single day…it may not happen anywhere else for them.

10) Teach your kids they don’t have to take crap from anyone, but be sure they understand principles of sound judgment so they can determine what’s crap and what’s life.

11)  Always giving into your kids is not always loving them.

12)  Road trip, road trip, road trip…with music blaring and voices singing!

13) Teach your kids the concepts of humility and respect; the best way  to do this is by showing/giving both to their mother.

14) Even if the world tells them God doesn’t exist, share with them why you believe He does, while respecting those who still won’t or don’t believe.

15) Tell them, more than once every day, that you love them.

16) Hug your kids…yes, even your sons. Or especially your sons so they will too...

17) What are they (spouse and/or kids) passionate about? Find out and encourage it. Let them dance, sing, wrestle…whatever, even if it gives you a friggin’ headache.

18) Since your kids will all play a sport (there is a reason for this), be sure to coach each of your childrens' teams at some point in their little league careers.

19) Let them know your expectations (homework, chores, etc.) and follow up with them.

20) It’s not the end of the world if they scratch your car…

21) Pray WITH and FOR your family.

22) Spend quality one on one time with each of them. It is possible.

23) Let your kids take responsibility for their mistakes and procrastination…don’t bail  them out on everything.

24) Limit television watching…for the most part it’s the biggest time waster known to man.

25) GO OUTSIDE WITH YOUR FAMILY. Get your hands and feet dirty; get wet; get a sunburn; get stung by a bee;  sleep in a tent; get blisters from hiking; swallow salt water; come home smelling like a campfire...

I have a couple hundred more…but it only takes a few to make a difference to your family.

The End

SNAPP

In doing my small part in trying to cause a paradigm shift, I've always said the father needs to do all he can to be more involved with the pregnency and childbirth. I've copied this from an Evisors e-mail I received. It gets to the point very well:

85% of new fathers in the U.S. take paternity leave but...

Up to 15% of U.S. firms now offer paid leave to men after the birth of their child. Yahoo offers 8 weeks off at full pay, Bank of America offers 12 weeks, and Ernst & Young gives 6 weeks. While the number of firms offering leave is encouraging, most men are still reluctant to take it. While 85% take some time off, the vast majority only take 1 or 2 weeks off. The main reasons men don't take more leave are fear of losing status at work and lingering stereotypes about a father's role in the family according to a survey from Society for Human Resource Management. The same survey documented long-term benefits of dads staying home after child birth, but until there's more social acceptance and encouragement, most men said they wouldn't take more than the typical 1-2 weeks. One thing that might help is senior executives taking such a leave themselves. Another study by search firm Korn/Ferry found that while 75% of male executives believed paternity leave is an important retention tool, only 15% reported taking such leave themselves. Today's stat is based on an excerpt from "Why Dads Don't Take Paternity Leave" from The Wall Street Journal.

So, the man should feel just fine about taking the time off. It is good in so many ways! I do know of some who take the time off and go golfing...nope, not the purpose. We need to crush the stereotypes.

SNAPP

Book signing

Got it confirmed, after the interview tomorrow I will be at Eborn Books, 254 South Main, in SLC, to sign books if interested. That will start at 6:00 p.m. and end by 8:00. If you are in the area stop by and say howdy!